How not to watch Stephen King’s IT

I have always loved reading Stephen King. In my “youth” I would scour the shelves of our local library eager to devour any King book that I hadn’t already been through. His knack for storytelling bewildered and enthralled me. So, I am a Stephen King fan, a huge one at that but all sense of loyalty faded when it came to watching the new adaptation of IT. As for most children of my generation, IT was the nightmare maker, the one who turned your blood cold and seemed to be waiting for you in every dark corner. So, it is hardly surprising that I did not jump at the opportunity to watch the movie. But I was coerced into it and I found myself making these critical mistakes…

I’m too lucid for this movie

Well I sure found the cure for that lucidity at the tail end of five tequilas. The tale of the tequilas (as most tales of tequila go) goes something like this, I’m not drinking that, That wasn’t so bad, We can’t drink in even numbers and finally the predictable Why the hell did I do that? As if watching the movie wasn’t enough of a bad idea, as if the first shot of tequila wasn’t enough of a bad idea. Bad ideas, it seems, are contagious.

Denira’s popcorn tastes like mutton breyani

Perhaps I have a certain skill at seasoning popcorn, some may even call it an art. But this one isn’t even about the popcorn, it’s more about the person saying it. Husband’s childhood friend, a brother if you will, a man who’s friendship with my husband I have loved, hated, respected and encouraged (not in that order) said this out loud at a particularly suspenseful part of the movie. There is so much wrong with it, least of all that he is a vegetarian from birth but it is hysterical. Before I know it, I’m laughing lunatic style while trying to get back my popcorn. Demonic clown: zero, Denira’s breyani popcorn: one hundred.

4DX

Maybe it’s just me, but I like my scary movies so that I can jump out of my seat as opposed to being tossed from side to side (also a dangerous combination with the tequila). I’ve never watched a 4DX movie before and apart from the commercials at the beginning, it’s really just not my thing. During the fight scene at the end, I was tossed around so much I could barely see IT get a walloping from the kids and the childhood version of me needed that justice! I do think the movie would have been scarier without the effects so perhaps I should be grateful instead.

Abandoned bathrooms

Having walked out of the cinema proclaiming that the movie wasn’t scary, I sure ate a piece of evil clown humble pie coming out of an abandoned public bathroom. What with my imagination being of the overactive variety, I tend to have nightmares, daymares and apparent bathroom-mares as well. As far as public bathrooms are concerned, this one was rather fancy but that didn’t stop me from washing and drying my hands at breakneck speed and backing out of the bathroom by refusing to turn my back to the semi closed bathroom stalls.

So here’s my recipe if you want to watch the movie, no tequila, no nut job friends or 4DX cinemas and for goodness sake take a friend to the bathroom with you!

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